The Truth, Please?

If everything was just a bad dream, I wish I could wake up from this bad dream and never had this dream anymore. Thinking back now, I really miss you a lot. Really, a lot. I don't know are you really happy right now, or are you just wearing a fake mask like I am, but I wish you're happy now. If you're happy, then I shouldn't see your tired-looking face just now. Or maybe, you are really tired after your training today.

I know, if I say "I miss you" to you now, you wouldn't know how to react, although I wanted to send you that text so badly right now. And yes, I admit for a few times, I wanted to hug you so badly at tuition or even at school for that matter. Whatever that I am going through right now, is really a HELL to me. It's even more suffering for me to face it now, compared to those days before I tell you what is actually on my mind. If, just if I say "I want you back", will you come back? Please, be honest. Although, the truth hurts.

We say we are still friends, but I know that somehow we can't be friends. Maybe just a normal friend who won't even say or talk to each other when we meet. I still remember me saying that we could still be siblings, as long as we don't hate each other. But, thinking back now, it's hard for me to face you. Really. Very hard.

And yes, I admit that I really really really miss you a lot. I miss all the memories we had when we are together, no matter how nice or how bad it was, I still miss you. Although, I've got no idea what is in your mind now actually. Of course, I wish you're actually missing me as well. I really wish I could have the courage now to text you and say "I still love you" and see what is your respond. But, I am just too afraid of the reply that I would get from you. Maybe, just maybe I would really text you and tell you that thing tonight, after I really had think enough bout it? Yes, you who had made me to believe in the word forever, I want you to make me believe it back, please. I know this is totally selfish but, I really want you back in my life.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever that is meant to be will be, but not this one. And I wish I knew the reason behind this. I wish I knew the reason so that, I could change and get you back into my life again. Because like I said before this, I am having a pretty hard time to face you, no matter where I meet you. So, come back please? *Sigh

yenn :)

Happiness Is Back

The feeling I had the entire day today was different. I told my friend, basically a quite close friend, bout the breaking up issue. To my surprise, he could see it from my face, how perfectly happy I am now. Not to say I am happy now, because I left him or anything. It just feels different, and it feels like I've threw that damn fucking heavy burden far far away. It's good to have that kind of feeling today.

Results were out today. I got to know already 5 subjects out of 9 subjects. To be honest, I am not satisfied with my progress for this Mid-term exam, except for my Bahasa Malaysia and English Language. I think I am kinda over confident for my Science paper and History paper this time, and serve me right for having that feeling. Guess I just have to work even more harder to really achieve the goal of mine and of course, make everyone around me proud.

Actually, decisions is not that hard to make one definite decision and never regret bout it. And yes, I took the right decision upon leaving him and let happiness find the both of us. My tuition teacher sensed something is not right, and so he asked me just now. "Vaness, you seem kinda moody just now. Anything that you would like to share? You know, you've been posting stuffs on Facebook." I was shocked at first, because I wasn't really sure to tell the truth or to wait him to tell it. And so my reply was simple, "Err, you will know it soon enough la, anne." "Ooh, so it happens already la now? When did this happen? Last week?" "Yea, it happened. Err, officially yesterday." "Well, if it is not happening now, it's gonna be happening later. So, it's better to make it happen now than later, Vaness. So, who asked for it? You or him?" I was like, "Him." 

My friend who knew bout what happened actually asked him, "Jackson, don't you miss Vaness?" And all he did was smile and said, "We broke up already la. Just keep it as a secret." The moment she told me this, I was like, what the hell? Why do you need her to keep it as a secret? Wouldn't it be known sooner or later? Anyway, I respect him for his decisions. It's up to him what he want to say, as I've got no rights to control him anymore, and neither would I want to have that chance anymore. I can't bear anymore scars in my fragile heart. Never.

He seems to be awkward facing me at tuition just now. But, all I did was just be there and study, concentrate. Just that, I got used to see him in his usual place, and I have to get rid of that as soon as possible. The problem now is that, we both seems like we do not have any idea upon what to do with the things that we have bought for each other back then. But to me, when it's time, you will, I will, we will have the urge to do something to those things, wouldn't we?

yenn :)